I’ll be wandering quite a bit throughout the next few months.

Here & There. 

Barcelona, next week.

Although I adore the city, I may run off early and wander on to surprise friends with spontaneous visits.

I’m packing light.

My heart is open.

Ready for new journeys.

Experience is calling and the possibilities are endless.

I have a good friend who lives on the 2^nd floor of my building. I rarely see him.

A close girlfriend lives 2 blocks from me. I saw her for this first time since Christmas, in another state.

My family lives 10 miles from me. I see them once a month.

David lived around the corner and I saw him almost daily. He died 2 years ago and I haven't visited his grave once.

My dear friend Christel lives on the coast of Brittany. The last time I saw her was 8 years ago when I visited her at her flat in London.

I traveled 10 thousand miles,  3 times in 2 years to see someone I loved.

Distance is a formality.

Only I create the distance between here and there.

I have made a promise to myself. I will travel where ever I must, to be with the people I love.

The second morning, he was back. Just touching my cheek long enough to get me out of my sleep. I leaped out of bed and chased him. Try catching and swatting a fly the moment you wake up. Before washing your face. Before brushing your teeth. Before breathing in and out a few times.  Needless to say, I didn’t catch him and proceeded to plot his death most of the day.

When I got home that evening, I found the fly. Yes, it’s the same one. He was sitting right next to me, quietly perched at the tip of my lampshade. I stared at him for a while. He didn’t take off. He just sat there. I stared and he stared back. I thought, what a short life this creature has. I must seem like this enormous moving object to him. I would be scared for my very small life if I was him. I felt compassion for the little critter.

The next morning he landed on my cheek. Same time, same spot. He brushed up against me and then took flight. He had become my personal alarm clock.  I said a good morning to my little friend and started the day smiling. This was a lesson in acceptance.

Chapter 48

I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I can’t tolerate anyone’s face right now. I even manage to dodge Richard from Texas for a while, but he eventually finds me at dinner and sits down – brave man – in my black smoke of self-loathing.

“What’s got you all wadded up?” he drawls, toothpick in mouth, as usual.

“Don’t ask,” I say, but then I start talking and tell him every bit of it, concluding with, “And I can’t stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it’s all coming up again.”

He says, “Give it another six months, you’ll feel better.”

“I’ve already given it twelve months, Richard.”

“Then give it six more. Just keep throwing six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”

I exhale hotly through my nose, bull-like.

”Groceries,” Richard says, "listen to me. Someday your gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it-in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India.”

“But I really loved him.”

“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper then you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love then that. Heck, Grocieries-you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.”

"He probably was your soul mate. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think that soul mate is a perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your our attention, so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.  But to live with your soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave, and Thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over. His purpose was to shake you up, drive out something that needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform of your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You are like a dog in a dump baby, you are just lickin at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable, so drop it."

“But I love him? “

“So love him “

“But I miss him “

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it.

You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll really be alone. And you are scared to death of what will happen if you're really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, if you clear out all the space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot-a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in-God will rush in and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed.

So stop using David to block that door.  Let it go.”

This dream is dizzy, it pulls me to the frontiers of the strangest forbidden. Toys with perversity, with death, with the sordid. Even though the scenarios which this imagination creates are sometimes terrifying and shocking, It knows perfectly how to draw a line between dream and reality, they are only an expression of my unconscious - an unconscious which is free.

The lover who haunts my night has a disquieting face. He's a powerful and solitary man. He wears a great black cloak and can brave all dangers - physical as well as metaphysical dangers. He's very often the likeness of a vampire - handsome but terribly dangerous. If he approaches, he'll drink blood and tear my soul away. In exchange, he'll give access to immortality.

He is a brother of doctor Faust, a magician or poet capable of signing a pact with Lucifer, a man hovering far above others since the time he sold his soul to the devil. He's a kind of black archangel who, if I dare come to him, will initiate infinite pleasures, only capable in my dreams.

My body exhausted.

My mind racing.

I was thinking of a few words I put on paper. They were haunting me. They were just a couple of lines. Lyrics really.

They were undone.

Now I'm up at 1:30 in the morning writing lyrics.

I started something. I have to finish.

Until I do, these words won't let me rest.

I'm not a novelist nor do I have my eye on a Pulitzer. But non the less, I have been writing for many years and I'm good at it. Poems, short stories and my specialty, lyrics.

I haven't been writing much the past few months. For many small reasons but mainly because I thought I hadn't had much worth writing about. I know better now.

I was in a crucial transitional period. I am always changing but this transition was different. It changed my life in ways I would not have imagined. 

The past 6 years have been very formidable within me.

I have experienced great love, great loss and great change. I write great because there IS an intense greatness I received from all of this.

Most importantly, these past years have most definitely assured me of all I'm capable of feeling, doing and being.

There is much to say about my loves, losses and changes and I will touch more on the rest another time. Now the one I will share is what I cherish most.

I've learned to live without fear and replace it with love.

I am learning the process of this daily.

The larger, most common human fears have become meaningless to me. They are nonsensical in the grand scheme of this life and not to mention a huge waste of my time. I realize now how precious time is.

The tiny, daily fears are falling from the waist side. Like old friends you realize you have nothing in common with anymore.

If fear tries to creep up on me, I have the tools of awareness to banish this emotion and immediately replace it with a feeling on acceptance and love.

I am happiest about being without fear.

From this great breakthrough I've learned, I can forgive easily, I need very little, I can do anything I choose, and I like and love with a selflessness I've not experienced before.

Now all I want to do is live each moment without it.

I will talk with new people and invite them into my world. I will write extra ordinary stories and songs, travel to unknown cities and countries and do all of this without those annoying insecurities that are fear based. 

Again, I will say, I'm learning this process on a daily basis.

The more I practice this the more I feel my life is limitless.

My little suggestion to you is to face and conquer one fear a day. Before long, you will have no room for any.

My favorite pizzeria in Brooklyn, still there, with the same old italian men behind the counter, happy, welcoming, shouting and prideful in the work they do. Same chairs, same booths, same gum ball machines. Most importantly, the pizza is still the best I've ever tasted.

I have been to Italy and briefly visited Naples. I've never had the pleasure of eating at Pizzeria Michele, which the Italians, Neapolitans, and most of the rest of the world, claim to have the best of the best pizza. Pizzeria Michele makes 2 kinds of pizza. Margarita and Margarita with extra mozzarella. They would cringe at the thought of a square pizza pie. In Italy, square pies are used with many other toppings, and have various names but they are not called pizza. Since the Neapolitans actually invented pizza, the Margarita, I have a sneaking suspicion this may be the ultimate.

But to me, because this humble storefront is the same in color, character and authenticity, and one bite of it's perfectly crusted, cheesy corner sicilian slice of heaven brings me straight back to the memory of absolute joy, I will stand by my belief that Da Vinci in Brooklyn USA is the ultimate pizza experience.